Avengers #9, "...With One Mighty Squeeze."

Hey, What's the Deal? The hated (and dimensionally displaced) Baron Zemo returns for a third go-round (along with alliterative cohorts, Enchantress and Executioner) to hatch the ultimate plan at getting back at the Avengers: planting an inside man to lead them to slaughter. Great plan, Zeems... but have you learned nothing from 8 issues of this garbage? There's nothing more these clowns love to do than attack their own.<sup>1

1 But hey, who am I? Just some asshole typing away on my computer. Baron Zemo "was one of Hitler's top rocket experts during World War Two" (he tells two Asgardians who could not possibly give less of a fuck).</sup>

So who are they gonna plant as their Faux-Avenger? Simon Williams, inventor slash embezzler with a major hate-on for our pal Tony Stark, that's who². Why turn to embezzling, you ask with a hint of disdain in your voice. And how could you hate Tony Stark? C'mon. Well, you would too if Tony's mastery of all things transistor caused all your patents to become worthless. Aren't those things supposed to protect from that kind of stuff? Maybe aim some of that anger at your patent attorney, Simon.

^{2This guy was the best candidate they could find? Maybe BZ should have brought in Baron Seymour for the assist, who was one of Hitler's top HR recruiters during World War Two.}

Enchantress pays his bail bond and whisks him away to South America(uh, you're not gonna get that money back now), where Zemo juices him up with some powerful -- but really goddamn generic -- abilities and a terrible costume and voila, Wonder Man is born. He's then dispatched to embed himself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes, where he convinces them in no time to travel to the Amazon for an ambush and, fingers crossed, brutal massacre.

This is the greatest plan, in theory, any villain has had so far. And that's why it's a real shame that Wonder Man wasn't fully vetted before launching it, as it doesn't take long for this prick to come to the Avengers' rescue; in doing so, he gives up his own life so that they may live. It was an amazing six issue arc that really sh -- wait, what? All of this took place in one issue? Oh.

ETC: Wonder Man gives a resonant little piece of business before he kicks the bucket, talking about how he could now die knowing he didn't live in vain. Iron Man's reply? "He was a strange mixture of good and evil!" And it was at that moment that I realized for the first time that there wasn't a single sentence in this comic that ended in a period. And now it's got me thinking: Has there been a period at all in any of the prior 8 issues? How many more issues to go before a period makes its debut? What if comics never use periods, uh, period... and I've just never noticed? These 30+ years have been a lie. What am I doing with my life? This is giving me some kind of existential crisis³.

^{3 You deserve to know it took every last ounce of willpower not to go with some sort of "exclama-stential crisis" wordplay there. I'm stronger than you know.}

MVP: Baron Zemo. His previous two plans both failed miserably but this one was actually a great idea. Also, you gotta give the man props for wearing his ridiculous fur-lined costume in what has to be one miserably hot jungle.

Letter of the Month:

We were all thinkin' it.

WTF:

"That's great, guys. Uh, real helpful. Just put them somewhere over there or whatever."