Hey, What's the Deal? This is probably going to surprise you but The Avengers and The Hulk are at odds. Again. For the third straight issue. In that last one, Hulk justifiably left The Avengers. And in the wake of that hugely monumental, earth-shattering1 decision, the remaining Avengers (The Mighty Thor, Iron Man2, Giant Man and, sigh, The Wasp) decide it's up to them to hunt him down. Jesus, these guys. There's a lot of other shit going down in the world; you don't need to focus all of your considerable manpower on the same dude constantly. 1Sorry, I think the hyperbole virus that infected the writer of the "next issue" blurbs has somehow gotten into my bloodstream. It's not all that monumental. Dude was with the team one full issue. Eh.
2 Tony is wearing much cooler armor this issue, having traded in whatever cheaply-made halloween costume he had been wearing for slimmer, sleeker gold and crimson armor. This goes unmentioned by his teammates, which surprised me. I mean, pointless, shallow comments are pretty much all The Wasp is good for. In fact in this issue alone, she calls Giant-Man "lover boy" twice, "handsome" -- which she also calls Thor at one point -- and "playmate." Criminy. I didn't realize her true identity was Blanche from The Golden Girls.
After tracking down their former "friend" and teammate (more on that in a bit) the Avengers are outsmarted and lose him again. The next time they meet up, Hulk's got himself a new pal, in the form of Namor, The Sub-mariner! Both men are united under the banner of "mutual human hate and rippin' shit up." Namor and the Hulk's reign of terror is short-lived, however: Hulk turns back into his puny human Banner form at the worst possible time. He runs away from the battle3 leaving Namor to fend for himself. The Prince is overwhelmed by the numbers and is pretty well fucked... but then Thor lets him escape because he has "too much respect for his valor!" STOP PLAYING BY YOUR OWN RULES!!!!
3 This fight was taking place on the middle of Gibraltar, far away from home, so I'm not sure where Banner ran off to. I'm sure word probably got back to his little boyfriend Rick Jones, though.
ETC: To aid in the search to find The Hulk, Iron Man uses some transistor-powered device, as he's wont to do, to project his image to various superheroes, who all blow him off. The Fantastic Four are, as usual4 no help at all. Thing's got a hot date, Mr Fantastic and The Torch are "experimenting in flame control" and Invisible Girl is headed out to a fashion show. Totally more important. And, hey, if you're so concerned with fashion and glamour, Sue: maybe get your boyfriend some Just for Men.
4So far, these assholes have appeared three separate times across this book and Amazing Spider-Man and they have been completely unhelpful all three times. I guess they forgot what it was like when they were starting out. They sit up there in their
Spider-Man is busy apprehending low-level thugs (and saying very un-Spidey shit like "Sufferin' Spider-Webs! I must be workin' too hard! I'm seein' things!" Yeah, and talking like Yosemite Sam.) and he blows off Iron Man, too. Way to learn your "Great Power/Great Responsibility" lesson, Pete. It's a good thing Hulk didn't end up massacring your dear old aunt.
The X-Men are also no help. In fact, Professor X is unnecessarily terse. Bald asshole.
Who do the Avengers eventually turn to for help? Goddamned Rick Jones and his infernal ham radio. Per my promise last issue, I am going to kill myself at the conclusion of this review.
MVP: For the second straight issue, it's Hulk! He one-ups the Avengers in a fight, craftily utilizing the surroundings (and, ah, a bag of flour. Don't ask.) and shrewdly leading Namor to believe he's totally got his back, when in reality, Hulk's just using Namor. Of course, Namor's doing the same to the Hulk but those Atlanteans are a shrewd people; you expect that from them.
MIA: Rest in Peace Purple Granny Panties. Hulk switched to the more recognizable ripped purple pants in this issue. I guess he took Thor's sartorial advice to heart last issue.
WTF: Tony Stark, you're a millionaire, can you maybe spend a little more coin on a better table? Also, can't Giant Man make himself normal-sized when sitting there, so he doesn't look like a teacher looking in on his second grade class' progress on their arts and crafts?
PS: I was all set to hang myself in my closet, as promised earlier, but then the next issue preview promised a "movie-length tale featuring super-characters and super-surprises to exceed [my] wildest expectations." If it doesn't deliver and/or Rick Jones shows up, I will kill myself.
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